Stop Crying!

Maybe you think crying in front of your girlfriend while watching "Old Yeller" will help save your relationship by assuming a reputation as a sensitive guy. However, 93% of the time, it will result in your girlfriend dumping your sorry ass and telling you that she needs a real man. The same goes for crying and sports; they only go together when:

1) You win a championship
2) You've made more money than you have ever dreamed of
3) You get hit in the balls

Cartman savors the tears
of unfathomable sadness.

Crying is best explained in an the South Park episode "Scott Tenorman Must Die". Crying not only indicates that you are at your breaking point and exposing your highest level of vulnerability but it also may also allow someone to "taste your tears" like Eric Cartman.

Let's take a look back at a few of these crying moments that have led to diminished productivity.

1. Kwame Brown, 2001-02 Season

Brown was the number 1 pick in the 2001 draft with a lot of potential to turn around the Washington Wizards franchise along with an older Michael Jordan. Brown was slow to achieve results. At one practice, Brown complained of a hard foul committed by Jahidi White. Jordan's patience wore down as he proceeded to call Brown a flaming faggot.

Perhaps Jordan's intentions were to make Brown a better player by insulting him as a motivational tactic, but Brown began to cry and ran away to sob in the locker room. Since that point, Kwame Brown has been a disappointment in the league for the Wizards and now the Lakers. His off the court incidents include a DUI and throwing a man's birthday cake to ground.

2. Kobe Bryant, The Summer of 2003

The Los Angeles Lakers were about to lose to the San Antonio Spurs, ending their bid to win their 4th consecutive title. As the game wound down to a close, Kobe Bryant was seen crying on the bench.

Perhaps Kobe lost a little more than self respect for himself. Maybe one of motives for committing adultery with a girl from Colorado could have been to redeem his reputation as a man. This backfired miserably as the girl accused him of rape. Kobe also proceeded to cry in a press conference as seen above.

The Lakers made it to the finals in the 2003-04 season but it became the last year that Kobe played with Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq had probably lost what little respect he had for Kobe. Bryant’s outburst of crying in public was probably the main reason that Shaq had demanded a trade. Since that time, the Lakers and Kobe have never threatened to win a title.

3. Andrei Kirilenko, 2007 Postseason

Andrei Kirilenko, nicknamed as AK47, was once considered a top talent in the league. He could score in a variety of ways and renowned as top defender in the league.

As of late, his play has declined in the postseason. The Salt Lake Tribune reported that Kirilenko used a towel to wipe tears from his red and swollen eyes Sunday while discussing his minimal role in the Jazz's 84-75 loss to the Houston Rockets in Game 1. Kirilenko played only 16 minutes - including only the last seven seconds of the fourth quarter.

Kirilenko, the team's highest paid player at 12.3 million a year, stated that he wanted to live up to his potential. Well he can start by playing better, not crying in front of his teammates. It certainly does not help intimidate your opponents. The Jazz proceeded to lose the next game in the series against the Houston Rockets. Kirelinko's crying does not serve as a good omen for the Jazz.

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So if you are a professional athlete, avoid crying in public at all costs. Your career will most likely take a hit and more importantly, people like me will make fun of you.